Solitude Hurts
by MattieE.Williams
Summary: Matthew is sick of Alfred's teasing and his life of not being noticed, so it's time... He decides to kill himself but before he can, someone is knocking at his door. Who can that be? AU RusCan Yaoi Oneshot


A/N Ok peoples! This is an oneshot for SilverFlower8910 who was my 5th reviewer of First Kiss on the Ferris Wheel! Thank you SilverFlower8910 and hope all of you out there like this!

Solitude Hurts

Dear Diary,

H-hello… I've really never had a diary before so I really don't know what to write… Well today was crappy as always… Again I wasn't even noticed, but when am I ever. Let's see… teacher walked by me after I was tugging on her shirt for what seems about an hour just for help on a math question, wasn't even picked for a team in gym, and the only time I was noticed was when Alfred, captain of the football team, and his crew kept calling me names such as: emo, freak, phyco, crazy, walking death, goth, punk… you get the picture, same old, same old, and them giving me a black eye. So as soon as I got home I pulled out my prized razor—which I have used many times—and cut myself once again. It wasn't for the reasons I just told you but for when Alfred told me this… "Why don't you cut your wrist again, but only straight down. Do what everyone wants and just die. No one wants you, not even your own dad!" Ya I know really harsh but that's what he said laughing. So I ran out of there crying as I heard them calling out horrible names. All my mind could think was 'Cut yourself, cut yourself, cut yourself, it'll make you feel better,' so I did. But strangely enough only one of them wasn't saying those things. He never does. His name is Ivan Braginski. He's feared by all and always has a smile on his face… except when Alfred and the others call me names or beat the living shit out of me... Well that's enough horrible recalling for today… Goodnight.

Matthew

…

I stare at my 'diary' (which is a beat up notebook) and put down my pencil. I close the book and throw it across the room, crying. I look at my bed to see my stuffed polar bear, Kumacheerio—or whatever I called him when I was two—sitting there, his beady eyes staring at me. I get up from my desk and walk over to him, picking him up and holding him close to me. My mother—who is dead now—hand-made him for me. Over and over my father—who blames me for her death—has tried to throw Kuma away, but I always seem to dig his up from the trash and hold him tight. My father says it's bad luck to have something of a desist person but I say that's bull-shit. He just wants to make my life miserable, and to be honest, Kuma is the only thing I have that I care about, or to even remember my mother.

My hot tears roll down my face and onto Kuma's soft head. Maybe no one really does want me. Maybe Alfred was right. I race over to my dresser drawer and pull out my prized razor—which is stained a rust color—and my red towel. I get ready to cut myself for the second time today, but I stop as the tip of my sharp razor grazes my pink, scared wrist. I drop the razor and fall to my knees, crying even more, holding my head in my hands.

"Fuck! Fuck why can't I do it!" I scream. No one's home to hear me anyways so why not. Dad's probably fucking up girls and getting drunk off his ass again. "I just want to die… I want to escape this hell…" I breathe out, breath hitching. I pick up the razor again and bite my lip. I dig the razor into my cheek and pull outwards, cutting my cheek in one, deadly, fluent motion. I feel my tears and blood mix as it falls down my cheeks and onto the wood floor of my room. I cut the other one the same way; in a quick, deadly motion. My salty tears burn the wound but I don't care anymore.

I get ready to cut my wrist but I jump as I hear knocking at the front door. I couldn't be my dad because he doesn't come home till the next morning and I don't have any friends, so who could it be? I walk slowly and cautiously to the door. I look over at the clock hanging on the wall. 10:30. "Who hell could be knocking on my door at 10:30?" I mutter to myself. I look out the peep-hole and see a tall boy with silver hair (He can't be older than me) and indigo eyes like my own.

I gasp and think, 'Why is he here?' I gulp and decide to open the door.

"Oh hello Mat- What happened?" he asks as his smile quickly disappear.

"Hm?" he reaches one of his hands to my cheek and wipes off some of the blood and tear mix and he shows it to me. I gasp, 'Oh shit I forgot to wipe it off before I opened the door!'

"Uh… It's ketchup! Ya, I'm a really messy eater, hehe you found out my secret," I nervously giggle.

He gives me a stern look but shrugs, "May I come in?"

I pause for a second but he says "I have something to talk to you about," and walks in.

"S-so what do you want to talk about?" I stutter and force a smile on my face.

"About earlyer…" he says as he walks up to me. "Alfred's just an ass. Don't listen to him. There are people who care about you," and he smiles his trademark smile.

"I-I know… but who? Who really gives a damn about me?" He stares at me for a second as his smile fades. "I thought so. No one does." I feel tears well in my eyes. "No one does-," Then I am cut off by Ivan wrapping his arms around me, enveloping me in his warmth. I'm confused at first but I slowly wrap my arms around him.

"Matvey… can I trust you with a secret?" Ivan whispers into my ear.

I numbly stand in his arms for a few moments and slowly nod my head, unsure of myself.

"Good… I-I…," he pushes me away and I hit the wall behind me and fall to the ground. He walks up to me and kneels. He straddles me and leans in close to my ear. I shake like mad, in fear of what he's about to do. He breathes in to say something and my breath hitches and my eyes shut tight.

I hear sobbing. Soft, cold sobbing.

I open my eyes to see Ivan's head in my chest, sobbing.

"I-Ivan?"

"M-matvey… Do I frighten you?" He softly whispers, head never leaving my chest.

I think for a second, 'No… No he doesn't frighten me…' "N-No Ivan… You don't frighten me… Why would you?"

He looks up at me, small tears fill his eyes, "R-Really?"

"Y-Ya." I neviously giggle. I run my hands though his silvery hair reassuringly, like my mother used to do to me.

He smiles and moves his mouth towards my ear. "I'm glad…" he pulls away and smiles.

We sit in awkward silence, Ivan still straddling me. "Uh… Can we get up?" I ask silently.

He gives me a childish 'what?' look and smiles grimly whispering, "Why? So you can cut yourself again?"

I give him a shocked look and shake my head, "What gave you that idea!"

He pushes his index finger into the cut on my cheek and I yelp. "Ketchup mess?"

He pushes on my wound more and I wimpier more, tears starting up again, "Ok! Fine! I cut myself! I lied."

"Why? Why did you do that?" He asks in a childish voice.

"B-Because… I'm sick of Alfred, I'm sick of my father, I'm sick of no one giving a damn!" I cry out.

"That's not true…" He whispers and smiles.

"Then who? Tell me that!"

"Me."

"What?" I ask confused, wondering if I heard him right.

"Me… I do." He chuckles.

"W-what?" I studder as I feel my cheeks burn in embarrassment.

"I know you heard me."

"But-," I start out but am interrupted by Ivan's lips meeting my own. My eyes widen at the feeling and don't know how to react. Soon my mind takes over and I sink into the kiss. I feel Ivan smile and squeezes me, causing me to gasp. He slips in his tongue and my tongue races to meet his own. I enjoy every second of Ivan kissing me. I move my arms around his neck to deepen the kiss. It is Ivan who pulls us apart so we can breathe because knowing me, I would have let us die of no oxygen if he didn't.

"I-I love you… I'm sorry…" he whispers.

"No need to be sorry… I think I like you too." I whisper.

"No, silly," He giggles sadly, "I ment… never standing up for you when you needed it. For letting you take shit like that."

"It's ok now… You won't let it happen again, right?"

He giggles happily and nods, "Da."

"Then it's ok," I say smiling. Oh God I've felt this happy in my life.

He leans in for another round of kissing and I crash into him, wanting to be kissed again. I never had this attention, so I crave it, wanting it. I move my hands though his silky silver hair as he rubs m sides, trying to be gentle.

We pull away to breathe and Ivan chuckles softly. "We're like two of a kind."

"Really?" I ask looking into his child-like eyes softly.

"Yes… You can say where both loners… We look after ourselves… In solitude."

"Ya… but now we have each other… right?" I softly whisper.

He chuckles and nods, "Da, Da, my little sunflower." He nuzzles his face in my chest and I giggle at his playful teasing.

"You know you saved my life?" I whisper into his silver hair, strumming my fingers through the strands.

"Hm? Really? How?" He asks and looks at me in the eyes.

"Ya… If you didn't come over… I-," I pause, "I probably would have ended my life… Committed suicide…"

"Well good thing you didn't," He says, smiling and pecks me on the cheek, right over my cut. I giggle and put my hand over my cut. When we stop laughing we look at each other, faces blank. Ivan gives a small smile and puts his large hands on my shoulders and turns us, making me lie on my back and him hovering over me. He leans in and kisses me deeply and I kiss back, wanting more.

"Tell me if I going to fast for you, da?" he gasps as he pulls away and I nod in response. He kisses me and moves his strong hands up and down my tender thighs. I moan in pleasure and rustle my hand in his hair and along his chest.

I yelp a little as feel a slight tug on my pants. I look at Ivan as he gives me a confused look.

"O-oh sorry… you may continue," I whisper in embarrassment.

He giggles and pulls on my pants more. I grab his hand and he looks at me confused like a child.

"S-sorry but ummm…. This has to umm… go," I studder as I pull on Ivan's black loose shirt.

He smiles and almost literally _rips_ the shirt off and throws it to the side.

"Now can these go?" Ivan ask in a childish like manner and tugs on my jeans. I nod and unbutton the pants as he pulls them down in a swift motion.

"Can we please take this to my room… It's kinda uncomfortable on the floor…" I whisper as my cheeks flare.

"Da, we can. Whatever is most comfortable for my little sunflower," Ivan chuckles and picks me up, heading to my room.

"The next room is mine," I instruct Ivan and he nods hurrying to my room.

He places me on my bed and gets on top of me once more. I tug at his pants and Ivan sees me fail at this. He sighs happily and helps me pull them down. Soon there off and thrown onto the floor. Ivan slowly unbuttons my dress shirt and I shrug it off to the floor for him.

We examine eachother's bodies. Ivan's body is muscular and scared filled. I move my hand up to his chest and stroke on the white lines that litter his body. Ivan grabs my hand and smiles at me.

"You ready?" he whispers to me.

"D-da~ ummm… do me now?" I try to say all sexy like but I'm no good at it and I utterly fail.

"This your first time?" Ivan says smiling and raises his eyebrow.

I blush madly and slowly nod, "Ya… I'm no good at it am I?"

"No, your perfect because… this is my first time too~ If anything I though you've done this before," Ivan chuckles as his blush grows to ear to ear.

"O-oh, well this is new for us both then, eh?" I studder out as I feel my blush growing.

"Da… so… we take our boxers off next right?" Ivan ask uncertain.

"Umm… ya I think so…" I say and grab at his boxers, "You first?"

"Da…" is all he says and helps pull off his boxers releasing his member. I grow wide eyed at his member… I look up to see Ivan blushing even redder. "Your turn now."

"O-oh ya…" I studder out and wiggle out of my boxers—with Ivan helping of course—and my erected member springs out. My member was nowhere _near_ as umm 'large' as Ivan's so I blush in shame.

"So whats next—" I ask Ivan softly but I'm cut off by Ivan kissing me full on the mouth. I sink in and rub my hands up and down Ivan's rough skin.

"Next comes this," Ivan chuckles as he holds up one hand and makes a scissoring motion with his index and middle finger.

"O-kay…" I studder out but chuckle "What ever you have to do."

I gasp loudly when Ivan spreads my legs apart and ask, "You ready?"

"Y-ya." Then Ivan sticks his two fingers in my ass. "Ahh~" Ivan chuckles at this and makes a scissoring motion, opening me up. He then pumps the fingers in and out and I moan at every movement. 'What does this have to do with sex—' but my thoughts where cut off when he hits that one special spot. "AHH~ Right there! Oh my god right there~" I moan out as I throw my head deeper into the soft pillow and shut my eyes tight.

"Hmm~ Oh right there~ Do you like that Matvey?" Ivan coos into my ear as he hits that spot. I nod and moan louder as he hits it more.

"How do you know all this? I though this was your first time." I moan out.

"What do you think I read in Math class every day?" Ivan chuckles, "Can't help but study ahead of time, da?" and as fast as he had put his finger in, he had withdrawn them. I whimper at the lost of the gracious feeling and make a pouty look at Ivan.

"Don't worry," he chirps happily, "I'm just going to put something _**bigger**_ in is all, the feeling will come back so won't worry my little sunflower," and he smiles happily.

"P-put it in me… please?" I say all smooth but it again doesn't turn out how I wanted it to.

Ivan spreads my legs open and lines up his member up with my ass. "Ready, sunflower?" he asks in a childish manor.

"D-da."

He chuckles and pushes into me. "AH~" I moan out at he grunts in concentration as he pushes in deeper. Then he pulls out and I whine at the lost feeling till he thrust in and I scream in pleasure, throwing my head back and my toes curl around the blanket underneath us.

"You like that, da?" Ivan coos into my ear as he pulls out and back in at a nice tempo.

"Y-yes~" I scream as he thrust in, but harder and rougher then the times before. "How long?"

"Hmm?"

"AH~ How long h-have you ~moan~ liked me?" I moan out between thrust.

He leans in close and puts his mouth next to my ear, "Ever since I laid eyes on you."

I shiver as his hot breath tickles my neck and scream as he thrust in. I feel a tight feeling in my abdomen that just wants to release but I hold it back. The friction of Ivan increases and I feel as if I can't hold back anymore.

"You can come if you want, Matvey," Ivan coos smoothly. Hearing this makes me climax and I come all over. I breathe heavily as Ivan continues to thrust. Soon he grunts loudly and comes inside of me, filling me to the brim. He pulls out and falls next to me like a weak kitten.

"Matvey…" Ivan whispers.

"Yes Ivan?" I ask softly and I turn to wrap my arms around I van and mold into his body one more.

"Your not going to kill yourself anymore right?" Ivan asks as he places his forehead on my own, making me look him in his violet eyes.

"No, Ivan… I'me here to stay… with you because," I sigh and smile, "It's me nd you versus the world remember?"

He smiles and nods, "Da."

A/N: OMFG I Finally finished! Super sorry SilverFlower8910 for the EXTREMELY long wait. Had lots of things going on and I feel extremely sorry and guilty T^T But now its done so it's all good right? Sorry if you see slight OOC because I've never written for Ivan and had a hard time figuring it out but I think I did pretty good don't you think?

READ AND REVIEW IF YOU CAN (or want to .) 


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